Some days are better

So it's been awhile. Since I last wrote, I took myself all off my crazy meds and remarkably, found myself doing better than I had in years. Who knew?

However, the past two months have been one random blow to my life after another, all from difference sources, different people for different reasons. And I just need to get it out.

Six years ago my best friend since first grade married my cousin.

Jill had graduated with me and gone off into the wild wonders of the Air Force and to see the world while I stayed put in our tiny town, got married, had two kids, got divorced. The American dream. We lost contact. She too had gotten married, had a child and a divorce. Afterwards, she moved herself back to our neck of the woods, one town over.

One day, my cousin-she-would marry's, brother went into a restaurant to pick up a lunch order and there she was. Also picking up lunch. Of course they knew each other. We'd been inseparable for years and she looked exactly the same. She gave him her number to spread around to family and friends so she could catch up. The number ended up in KC's hands, her to-be husband. He has lusted after her in high school unabashedly. (although we are only 26-days in age apart, he was a year behind me in school).

Of course there was no way he was dating my friends when I was in school. Major cousin foul. Anyway, fast forward a bunch of years. They meet up, the hook up, have a kid and get married.

I am happy for this. I have my friend back, she's now family and I have someone to sit with family gatherings and gossip about the rest of the family. Bonus!

Mid-September, is when that all went horribly wrong. KC, being the asshole everyone knew he could be, took a little mini-mental vacation and lost his ever-loving mind and got a little violent. Don't get me wrong. He has ALWAYS been a jerk. ALWAYS. But Jill loved him, so good for her. The last act of craziness was the last straw for her and certainly the last straw for her friends, me included.

KC did his little breakdown (with self inflicted box cutter wounds for affect) on a Tuesday and was taken away. We had Jill and her two kids packed and moved into a new apartment by Thursday. They had for years fought and screamed and she always just said ‘one more time'. He never laid a hand on her or their kids, I will admit that. But he is a master manipulator and controller and until he was out of that house and had done what he did (with their 10 year old in the HOUSE), she couldn't do it.

Less than a week later, I went with her to the lawyer's office to start divorce proceedings. It was clear then to everyone in my family where my allegiances were and which side of the line I was on. Jill had done more for me then KC had probably ever even though about or cared to. She held my hand with my twin grandsons were born at 20 weeks and we buried them. She took my then out of control 15 year old daughter for a week so that I didn't lose my mind. She has been a classmate, a co-worker, a relative, an employee and first foremost, ALWAYS at my side. My family thought that my decision to stand with her and help her through the process of putting her life (that a member of MY FAMILY had destroyed) was terrible. ‘Blood being thicker than water' and all that nonsense. So I took my stand and told my family where I stood and I wasn't about to change my mind. And if they didn't like it, then they weren't my family anymore.

Jill got settled nicely into a townhouse just four doors down from me. Which is AWESOME. She is doing well. Of course she is scared and nervous, but who wouldn't be? But ya know what? I'm right there, holding her hand and WE are going to get through it.

A week later, I have a CT scan because of some abnormal unexpected weight loss. They found lesions on my lungs. Weird. So they did a chest CT and found my lungs full of nodules. First, I called my husband who was 45-minutes away and immediately left work to come home when I got the call from the doctor that I could be full of cancer. Jill works half a block away. I called her, sobbing to tell her. She insisted on coming over and I told her no she'd missed too much all ready. Seconds later, her big black pick up came roaring into my driveway like it was on fire. And she sat and held my hand until my husband got home.  We await a final determination as to what I have going on, but so far, things look like they aren't cancerous.

The SAME day I find out I might be have cancer, my daughter finds out that one of her best friends, a boy who has loved her forever, had brain cancer. A boy who has called me mom forever. Tall and lanky, a wicked good soccer player and drummer who found out a week ago he has three months to live.  Another blow when I'm already teetering. He won't see his prom, or graduation.

I can't help but question things...I did a lot of questioning about myself and my beliefs when I sat and filled out my Living Will and my Health Care Proxy and talked with my husband about what I wanted to do in the event I had a malignancy. Now, my heart bleeds for the parents of that 16 year old boy who know that their time is limited and all their dreams for him are now gone.

I don't proclaim to be religious. This would certainly test my faith. But I have to ask, how is any of it fair? All at once? I'm just getting really tired.